


But you never told me good bye

by speia



Series: My eyes are always on you [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff, Angst and Porn, Boys Kissing, Desk Sex, Developing Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isanity, Kaneki/Sasaki PoV, M/M, Madness, Manga Spoilers, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Rough Kissing, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 08:57:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speia/pseuds/speia
Summary: Can you remember? Tell me how far I have to goCan you remember lust in the eastern skies?Can you remember when you told me sayonara?Can you remember me? 'Cause I will never say goodbye





	1. Black is the color of my path

_“Come and take me off my daily dose of pain.”_

 

Kishou, do you remember? Do you remember we were happy? Do you still think of me sometimes? Hey Kishou, do you know I think of you every time I look up to the sky? If I see a bird flying across, I can’t help thinking you’re still looking after me from up there. Did you know I was always thinking about you? Do you know I still am?

Hey Kishou, do you know I miss you?

 

*** 

      I hated it, that cell. It was really small and I couldn’t see the outside. Even if the walls were thick I could still hear the other ghouls yell and groan and moan from pain and scream. It smelt like blood and… something I never tried to figure out. In here I couldn’t help the panic attacks and the overwhelming insanity. How could I? I had nothing but myself to think of, I had nobody but myself to hurt. I wanted to die. Really, I wanted to die. I had stopped feeding myself. I had popped my eyes out a several times.

Fetal position, in the right corner of the room. This was how I spent my days.

 

You opened the door for the first time out of concern. I had clawed my eyes out again. And because I wasn’t eating I couldn’t heal. I remember how the hot blood rushing down my cheeks felt like a blessing. I really thought I was about to die. It never came to mind that somebody could come and save me. It never occurred to mind that somebody could actually want to save me. I heard somebody coming in but I made no move. I just tried to bury my face in my clothing. Probably leaving blood everywhere. I startled when I felt a presence next to me, I yelled when a hand was put on me.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”

There was no answer. Just a cold tissue on my face, pressed against my eyes firmly. To stop the bleeding. You were careful not to hurt me in your doing. I remember all your gestures were composed and precise. You knew what you were doing. I tried to push you away. You stopped my kicks and punches very easily. I was weak at the time. For how long hadn’t had a decent meal? You held me down until I stopped moving. I remember being pressed against that cold floor. I remember I would have cried if I had still my eyes.

“Calm down” you said but I tried to kick and punch more.

“Leave me alone! Don’t touch me! Leave me…”

“Enough!” and you whispered, close to my ear “Don’t make me hurt you.”

I stopped moving. I was shivering. I let you take care of my wound, wrap my head in some bandages. Your touch was soft, that’s something I can remember clearly. You tilted my chin with your hand, probably you wanted to face me. This kind of contact felt very weird but not unpleasant. For how long hadn’t I been touched?

“Don’t do that again” your voice was sharp and cold.

“I…”

“If you do it again, they’ll dispose of you. Do you want to be disposed of?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“That’s a shame” you let go of my face “You need to eat and heal.”

“No… please, no.”

The idea of eating was enough to make me feel nauseous. I didn’t want to eat and I couldn’t eat. I heard sounds I couldn’t identify and a piece of raw meat was pressed against my sealed lips. I wanted to protest but I also knew I couldn’t open my mouth or the food would be put in. Eat, you commanded several times but I never dared to. When you removed the meat from my face, I thought you had given up on your idea of feeding me. But I was wrong. You pushed me so my back hurt the wall, your hand forced my mouth open and I soon tasted flesh and blood on my tongue. You put your hand on my mouth so I couldn’t spit it out. I swallowed with difficulty. I felt really bad. I wanted to throw up.

“Breathe slowly. Take deep and slow breaths. You won’t vomit.”

I did as you said and after a time that felt like an eternity it felt like I could keep the food down my stomach. My empty eye sockets were hurting less also. I opened my mouth again. This is how you fed me. Three pieces of meat. I’ve lacked of food for such a long time I had to learn back how to eat again. When you were done with me I cowered in the corner. I was trembling all over. Why? The hell if I knew. I started to scratch at my own clothing nervously. I pictured eyes – your eyes – starring at me and it scared me. I scratched my clothing more. I scratched and scratched and scratched, harder and harder and harder. Until a hand – your hand – came and took mine.

“No” you said and you were so close I could feel your breath on my skin.

“The dark… it’s scary” I stammered.

“Of course it is. This is why you have to heal those eyes.”

“I… I…”

“Come on, get back to bed.”

You helped me stand on my feet and led me to the bed. One of your hand on my back, the other holding mine. I felt confused things. Your presence was comforting. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to die anymore. You made me sit on the bed and wrapped me into a blanket. I hadn’t realized it before but I was very cold and the blanket was very welcomed. I heard and felt you sit as well and tried to get closer to you. I hit your shoulder and mewled of surprise. You were way closer than I expected.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered.

“You don’t have to be. Just lie down. And sleep.”

I did as you said and started to lie down on my left side. I thought my head was about to touch the bed but I felt something warm and clothed and alive instead. Your legs. I mumbled another apology and made a move to go off you but with a hand in my hair, playing with my locks softly, you stopped me. I didn’t want to move away anymore. Your touch was really nice. And soft. And caring. And full of love. Or maybe I wanted it to be like this. But I stopped moving when your fingers touched my hair. I curled up. I felt like home.

“Mo…ther” I said and I lie down my head on you “Fa…ther.”

“I am here now.”

I could have cried if I had still eyes. I swear, I would have cried if I had eyes. You stroked my hair and my face. You covered me better with the blanket. I sobbed and the back of your fingers caressed my cheek. I was oh so confused but oh so happy after all that time alone. I needed to know more about you. I wanted to know everything about you. And, paradoxical thing for such a self-harmer as I was, I wanted to see you. Your face. The shape of your body. You. I wanted to know what you looked like. You who were taking such a good care of me. I wanted to heal.

“Who… who are you?” I finally dared to shyly ask.

“Arima Kishou.”

“Arima-san…”

My heart was running fast and I had no idea why. The pain in my eye sockets intensified suddenly and I let escape a moan of pain. You patted my head until I relaxed again. We stood still a little while, until you were sure I was completely relaxed under your touch. And I felt you move. I thought at first you were about to leave but then was a sound I know way too well. Flipped pages of a book. Warmth filled my heart.

“You are reading.”

“Yes.”

“Would you read to me?”

“Sure.”

And you cleared your throat before starting to read out loud with this calm, serene, composed, cold voice.

“I have a curious animal, half kitten, half lamb. It is a legacy from my father. But it only developed in my time…”

 

“Would you come over again, Arima-san?”

“Of course I will. We haven’t finished our reading session yet.”

 

 ***

You haven’t changed at all, Kishou. After all this time, you still like to read me to sleep. And your favorite is still Kafka’s _A Crossbreed_.

 

_“You’re the antidote for solitude injected in my veins._

_And may the touch of your hand forever be_

_My therapy.”_

 

 


	2. Gave you all I had to give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was still jailed but you were here, Kishou you were the light in the mist

_“I hope it’s worth it_

_What’s left behind me._

_I know you’ll find your own way_

_When I’m not with you.”_

 

When I look back at those days I’m overwhelmed by smells. The smell of fresh coffee, the smell of meals I used to cook for you when I came around, the smell of your own apartment. Your smell as well. I miss that. And knowing I could never back to the places where those smells lay – your office, your room… to you as well – sometimes makes me… No, you don’t want to know that. Do you, Kishou?

 

***

 

My eyes were healing. I could see the light. After so much time spent in the dark even a blurred vision of the world was so very welcomed. I knew you were tall, I knew it for you held me in your arms several times when my world was nothing but pitch black. The first glimpse I caught of you was a tall black and white shape. When you crossed that door on the day on my eyes were healing I felt alive again. That’s silly, I know. I’m being over-dramatic but don’t laugh at me. I wasn’t cured enough to see the details of you but that shape of yours… You can’t imagine how good it felt to run to you, to know exactly where you stood, to be able to finally guess your doing, your expressions. I felt like I was starting to know you better. Even if I had still a lot of things to learn.

“Hello, Arima-san.”

“Hello to you too.”

I still didn’t have a name. It made things quite awkward between us. You couldn’t name me. I think you refused to use general terms such a ‘boy’ or the too formal ‘inmate 240’. So you just didn’t name me. But it was okay. Paradoxically it never hurt. I didn’t want to know what my name was. I felt like it’d bring back all the pain if I even tried to figure it out. You sat on the bed as usual. There was no other furniture to sit on to say the least. I was glad there wasn’t. It brought an inevitable proximity. When did I fall in love with you? Honestly, I don’t know. When I realized it my heart was already yours and yours only. Finally I was able to sit by your side by myself. I sat quite close. It never seemed to bother you.

“What book are we going to read today, Arima-san?”

“Something by Takatsuki Sen. Are you familiar with her work?”

“The name does sound familiar. This is all I can say.”

“It’s call _The Black Goat’s Egg_.”

“Perhaps I’ve read it. Perhaps not.”

You just nodded. I guessed you nodded, your head made a move. Silly eyesight, why wasn’t I recovering faster? I was eating for sure. I was eating everything they brought me. It was hard often but I swallowed everything and made sure not to throw up. I had to heal. I had to see you. I had to see you better than that. I had to see better than that. I wanted to hold that book in your place and read it to you while you’d be the one resting on my shoulder, with closed eyes, relaxing, letting go of all that exhausting CCG nonsense… Not yet, not yet. But soon, soon… it’d be my turn. You made yourself comfortable, leaning back on the wall after I gave you my pillow for you to be more at ease. You made room so I could curl against your chest. You left arm came to wrap me firmly like it always did. Your right hand was holding the book. I’ve always wondered how you came to be so good at flipping pages with only one hand. I closed my eyes and you started to read. Your voice… so calm, so comforting, never fluttering even when you were at a triggering or emotion-packed moment of the story. It was always so monotonous. I liked it, it was the exact opposite of the overwhelming feelings I experienced everyday in my head. It smoothed me. Often I fell asleep like this, regaining consciousness and hearing the story had gone so far away. You always noticed.

“At what moment did you stop?”

This was the way you asked it, as if I was reading at my own rhythm or had chosen on purpose to stop at this very point. You were never reluctant to read it again. Sometimes, when I liked a passage, I asked you to read it to me few more times. For that Takatsuki Sen’s book it was a sentence.

“My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

I loved the way you said it. As if it were simply a fact.

“My dear lost one…”

I liked to think I was your dear lost one.

“Your parents failed in raising you.”

And that you were now the one succeeding in raising me.

 

“We have to stop here for today.”

I have always hated it, that sentence. You were only there twice a week, maybe three if I was lucky. It always felt too short, especially on the days I fell asleep in your arms. I never knew how much time you stayed. There was no clock and I’ve never seen a watch at your wrist. And the guard in front of my cell door never spoken a word, not even to remind you it was time. You removed your arm from me and closed the book. I detached myself from you. After, you were about to rub your eyes and stretch before getting up. Everything was so ritualized. But not this time. This time I broke our comforting routine. I still don’t know why it happened on that day precisely. I never planned it. I never actually thought about doing something like this. Not that I didn’t wish for it but that’s an entire different story. Maybe I just had to do it. Maybe I needed to do it to be at ease with myself.

“Arima-san?”

“Yes?”

I cupped your face with my left hand, your skin was softer than I imagined. I brought my face closer to yours and kissed you. Oh I wasn’t brave enough and my entire body was shivering when my mouth was on yours. To my very surprise you did nothing. You didn’t push me away. You were still not making any move when I came closer, even when I dared to slide softly my tongue between your half-open lips to rub it against yours. You tasted good. You tasted so good I couldn’t stop kissing you. I knew it was wrong. I knew you not doing anything was a sign for me to put an end to this. I couldn’t. I kissed you until I was too short of breath. When we parted, I rested my head on your shoulder a bit. You waited. You waited until I found the strength to finally let go of you and look at you. This was the only time I was happy to have this blurred vision. If there was disappointment in your eyes, I thought, at least I wouldn’t see it. You rubbed your eyes and stretched as it was your habit. You got up and rearranged your clothes, as if I had acted like always. But before you went away, you put a hand on my shoulder.

“Look at me” you said.

Here it goes, I thought, the scolding, the lesson about not getting intimate with CCG agents when you were a half-ghoul, the rejection, the repulsion… Here it goes, I thought, being all alone again. The words you spoke took me aback.

“In this room, you are not allowed to love anyone.”

Takatsuki Sen. _The Black Goat’s Egg._

 

“You should put an end to this nonsense, sir. This is going too far.”

“This is going perfectly well.”

“I beg your pardon? This kind of intimacy cannot be approved by the CCG, you know this as much as I do.”

“Perhaps. But at least I’ve now his complete trust.”

 

“My dear lost one…”

Arima-san…

“Your parents failed in raising you.”

 

***

 

Kishou, I’m starting to forget about your taste. I’m starting to forget about your smell. But at least… at least I can still remember the sound of your voice when you were reading to me. And I play it in my head every night to find some sleep. Do you know what it reads, Kishou? Yes, you’re right. Takatsuki Sen’s _Black Goat Egg_.

 

_“So tell everybody,_

_The ones who walk beside me,_

_I know you’ll find your own way_

_When I’m not with you, tonight.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 song: Avenged Sevenfold - Fiction


	3. Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You opened the cage, you set me free

_“I remembered back skies_

_The lightening all around me_

_I remember each flash_

_As time began to blur”_

Do you remember when we named me? When we chose that name of Haise? I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. Did you ever notice I chose those kanji because they reminded me of you? It was obvious honestly. Even if you never spoke about it, I’m pretty sure you knew why I chose those. Coffee, for your smell was close to that drink’s. World, for you meant the world to me. You still do, Kishou. You still do.

 

***

 

When my eyesight came back I thought I couldn’t possibly be happier. When I was finally able to see your so beautiful face, I thought nothing could be better. Those lips I had once kissed… If you thought refusing me like that would keep me at a reasonable distance from the idea of doing it again, you were wrong. You were so wrong. It was harder to hold back now I could see how perfect and good-looking you were. Your face. The way you smiled, that slight smile that curved your mouth in the most lovable way. That was so hard but I behaved well. At least when you were here. At night, well we both know that at night it was an entire different story. I wanted to touch you. I wanted you to touch me. It was not possible to put aside those thoughts. They were intrusive. And I’m not ashamed to say that I loved them. I wasn’t allowed to love you in this cell, but in my head… in my head I loved you so good.

 

I wasn’t even sure about the meaning of the words you told my keeper. Something about having my complete trust? Did you have some under-lying purpose? Now I know you had. Now I know you never planned to do me harm. Even back then I found you trust-worthy enough to still love you despite the fact I wasn’t understanding your whole actions. How could I, stuck in a cell like I was? I remember that day when you crossed that door for the last time. You looked tired, so tired. And you weren’t carrying any book. It was the first time it happened. It surprised me, of course.

“Hello, Arima-san.”

“Good morning, Haise.”

Even your voice sounded tired. That was a first. I started to worry.

“Are you okay, Arima-san? You seem tired.”

“I am. I haven’t slept last night. I was on a mission. We got a whole bunch of ghouls.”

“You should have taken some rest!”

“No. Today is one the days I pay you a visit. But I forgot the book, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Arima-san. We don’t need one.”

“You’re right. May I?”

You pointed the bed with a sign of your head and I nodded. You undid your jacket and loosened your tie. I got more surprised when you took your shoes and instead of sitting on the bed and leaning back on the wall you lied completely on my bed. With your head on my pillow. I sat near to you. I really wanted to cuddle you and be your little spoon but I didn’t know if you’d allow me to do such thing. You closed your eyes and rubbed them. And you started to speak again.

“I’ve read the last reports on you, Haise. I must say I’m proud of your progress.”

“What do you mean?”

I never thought I ever did something so special it could make you proud.

“It’s said you are performing masturbation on a regular basis.”

“Wh-what?” I could feel myself blushing so hard my face was burning.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Haise. I’m glad you’re now seeking pleasure through your body instead of trying to hurt it.”

“Well, I… Ahem… I…”

“You don’t owe me an explanation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You’re doing great.”

“Arima-san…”

I could have kissed you right away now. You were so nice and comprehensive. You didn’t judge me. You didn’t even say a nasty remark. That was a simple fact and you accepted it. And you were proud. Proud I was seeking pleasure for myself. How could I not love you? I didn’t feel dirty anymore. For once I felt completely normal. It was normal, I was normal. You were making me feel normal and important.

“Haise?”

“Yes?”

“This is the last time I see you here.”

“Why, Arima-san?" My voice stammered. I felt like crying.  "Aren’t you allowed in here anymore?”

“That’s not it, Haise. You are allowed out.”

“Re-really?”

I had to hold back and hold back not to jump on you in the following second at this point. I was about to get out of here. You were about to take me out of here. My heart was racing so much. I could barely look at you. I was really happy.

“Yes. The next I’ll see you, you won’t be locked up in here.”

“But out… How would I…”

“Don’t worry. I’ve taken care of everything. You’ll have a roof over your head, meals you can eat and work at the CCG.”

“With you?”

“Not only with me, Haise. But yes, I’ll forever be around in case you need me.”

“Arima-san… I don’t know what to say… Thanking you is not enough…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Haise.”

The way you said my name. The name we picked together. It was beautiful, so beautiful I started crying. This was too much. You being here even if you didn’t have a decent night of sleep, you saying you were happy I felt better, you taking me out of here, you taking care of me on the outside… I couldn’t help crying for my feelings were too overwhelming. How could I not love you when you were so good to me?

“Haise?”

“I’m happy, Arima-san. This is silly, but I’m really really happy.”

“It’s not silly. Your reaction is perfectly normal. Come here.”

You opened your arms and I didn’t need more to curl upon your chest, still crying but you didn’t seem to care. You rolled on your side to hug me better and I buried my face in the crook of your neck. We were close. So much closer than all the previous times you were visiting me. So close. You smelt so good. You stroked my hair softly. In a slower way each time. After a while you completely stopped though you were still holding me firmly. I called you by your name several times but you didn’t answer or move. Your chest was moving up and down in a very regular pattern. Your breathing was slow and deep. You were sleeping. You had fallen asleep with me in your arms. I don’t think it was silly of me to be happy about it, to be happy you trusted me enough to fall asleep in my cell at Cochlea.

“Sleep well, Arima-san.”

I lifted my head up to give you a peck on the cheek. Nothing much but it was enough to make me want some more. A lot more. Your half-open lips were really tempting but I put my face back in the crook of your neck. In this room, I wasn’t allowed to love anyone. You told me that before. And I was willing to respect that. At least this was what I thought.

 

I opened my eyes suddenly. I had fallen asleep too. I looked at you and you were still sleeping. You were really beautiful, no matter how many times I could look at you. It seemed to me you were becoming more and more beautiful. Love is a strange feeling, isn’t it? I got away from you, my limbs were starting to get numb. You had barely move in your sleep and I assumed you were not the type to roll over his sides in his sleep. I looked at you again. It was the first time I saw you without your glasses on. I ran my hand through your pure white hair. It was soft. Really soft. You had to be taking a really good care of yourself. My hand went down to cup your cheek and I softly rubbed my finger against your skin. You mumbled and moaned under my touch.

“Hai…se…”

My heart skipped a beat when I heard your sleepy voice say my name. That’s silly, I thought, he’s only saying it because he fell asleep with me in his arms, that’s all. But another part of me was really pleased. Another part of me wanted to believe there was more behind my name, that you truly wanted to stay with me, that you wanted me around. I touched you more, massaging your neck, slipping my hand under your shirt to touch the skin of your shoulders. What am I doing, I thought, I must stop, this is wrong. But you moaned a little more so I came closer. I leaned down and kissed your forehead. You frowned.

“Haise…”

I kissed your temple, you shivered. I kissed your nose, you grinned. I kissed your cheek, you smiled. I kissed your lips, you tensed. I gave your lips another kiss, you were less tensed. I gave them a third, you were relaxed. I licked them and your fingers curled into a fist. And I dared to kiss you again. With my tongue. My hand went back at your neck. I knew it’d wake you up. But this was probably the last time I’d have such an opportunity to kiss you again. Outside was a different world. A world in which we wouldn’t share such intimacy. I kissed you, oh how I kissed you almost felt like I was about to eat you up. You moved when you abruptly woke up and one of your hand gripped on my hair. I thought you were about to pull me away but I didn’t stop. Though the grip was firm you never pulled me away. Your hand just stayed there. I was the one who broke the kiss, leaving a trail of saliva between us. You looked at me with unfocused eyes. You seemed lost.

“Haise.”

“I’m sorry, Arima-san. I… I…”

“Ssh… That’s fine.”

You were the one cupping my cheek now. Your smile was sad.

“This too shall pass.”

 

“This is completely unacceptable, sir! You can’t let this ghoul be so close to you.”

“I can handle his feelings.”

“But sir, I’ve to report it.”

“Then report it. I can handle his feelings. And I will. You’ll see he’ll behave in a complete different way when he’ll be out. For now he’s just trapped and desperate.”

“Sir, if he’s too close to you he can become dangerous.”

“I don’t see what’s dangerous in a boy that just wants to be loved.”

“Sir…”

 

Arima-san, see you on the outside!

 

***

 

“This too shall pass.”

You’ve never been so wrong in your entire life, Kishou. It never passed. It’s still here. And I think it will be here for quite a long time.

 

_“Like a startling sign_

_That fate had finally found me_

_And your voice was all I heard”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Linkin Park - New Divide


	4. Put your hand in my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Think about how things were and how we looked so well

_‘Lying in my bed again,_

_And I cry 'cause you're not here._

_Crying in my head again,_

_And I know that it's not clear.’_

 

Sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, startling up from nightmares or intrusive thoughts, I extend my hand. I run it inside the sheets. The furthest I can. Of course I know you’re not here anymore. But deep within I just secretly hope you still are. I secretly hope I can touch you. I need you, Kishou. Where have you gone?

 

***

 

Kishou, how do you remember my first days out of Cochlea? For me it was just anxiety and anxiety and more anxiety. I wanted to be good. I wanted to do good. I wanted to make you proud to have taken me out of there. Of course I knew things would be different but I never expected such distance between us. I knew you weren’t allowed to be close to ghouls and I am a half-one. Sometimes I had caught myself thinking Cochlea was better because at least we were close to each other. At least I could touch you, even just a bit. On the outside… On the outside I was just authorized to touch you when we sparred. And it hurt oh it hurt so much.

 

The very first time I went to your office at CCG you had given me your personal address. Just in case I needed anything, you said. Even if my heart had raced like a wild horse I knew you were just giving me something to hold onto in case I felt lost. A place to hide far from CCG. A shelter where no inspector could despise me. I never used it, I never came to your place. Until that day. It was the day after my first mission on the field. I couldn’t stay at my place. I had no friends yet, everything was very new to me. Akira-san was nice to me for sure but… but she wasn’t you. I went there but I felt insecure. What was I going to say? Hello, I feel anxious, please hold me? But I couldn’t refrain my hand to knock softly on your door.

“Shit” I spat, looking down at my feet.

What to do? What to say? My heart was already beating too fast. It was November so at least the pink on my cheeks could be mistaken for some cold effects. Why did I do that? Why did I come here? I heard some noise and the door opened. I still was staring at my feet, unable to look up. Fuck this anxiety, I cursed myself.

“Haise?” Your voice was soft and warm. It gave me courage to lift my head up.

“Ah… Hello, Arima-san.”

You were wearing some black top and grey loose pants, something I’d never thought Arima Kishou would wear. Your hair was a bit messy and I assumed you were probably sleeping or chilling. It was your day off and I had disturbed you. I couldn’t help to think this way. Though your face never shown something like annoyance. There was like a sparkle in your eyes. Or was I just fooling myself? You smiled though.

“Haise, do you need anything?”

“I… ahem… Am I disturbing you?”

“Not at all, Haise. I wasn’t doing anything special. Please come in.”

You made room to let me in. I remember how warm it felt inside. And it smelt like coffee. And chestnut cookies. And you. It smelt exactly like you when you had fallen asleep on my bed at Cochlea. I took off my coat and you hung it for me. I took off my shoes and put them aside yours carefully. Everything was so tidy in here but I wasn’t surprised. It was very much like you.

“Come, Haise.”

You put a hand on my back and my eyes widened at the touch. Contact. It had been something like weeks since the last time you touched me in such a kind way. We were still having physical contact but it was during training sessions and you never were kind during those. It was hard, I just wanted to be hugged by you sometimes. I couldn’t ask for it at CCG, putting you at risk for being intimate with a half-ghoul. I should consider myself lucky for being allowed to work under your command, to train and spar with you. But please, I thought when I let you lead me to your living room, please hug me.

“Sit, Haise. Do you want coffee?”

“Ah, yes… please.”

You left to the kitchen and I chose to look carefully at the room. There barely were things on the walls, except for bookcases. There were plenty of bookcases in this room. I smiled softly. It was so much like you, Arima-san. A little pile in a corner caught my attention. Even at this distance I could recognize the titles. Kafka’s novels. _The Black Goat’s Egg._ _The Little Prince._ And much more. Those were the books you brought to read me when I was jailed. You kept them aside. Why? Did it have a meaning or did you just simply forget to put them back where they belonged? How confusing… How pleasant to see… I felt special.

 

“Sorry, it took a bit long” you said, putting two cups on the table in front of us.

“No worries.”

I took the cup and sipped a bit of coffee. It was warm. It did me good. I leaned back on the couch drinking the coffee with closed eyes. I reopened them when I felt your hand stroking my hair. Exactly the same way you used to do it at Cochlea. With the same kindness, the same softness. Oh it felt so so good…

“Are you okay, Haise? It’s the mission, isn’t it?” You asked calmly. I was an open book to you.

“Yes… I killed and they were just like me and I killed them and…”

“Sshh… You did what needed to survive, Haise.”

“But I… I am…”

I started sobbing and you removed your hand from me. Please don’t go, I yelled inside of my head, I need you please don’t leave me alone. You took my cup from my hands and put it on the table alongside yours. I started to cry for real and I buried my face in the palms of my hands. Why why why? I just wanted to see you, I just needed to see you. Why was I such a mess? Why couldn't I just have coffee with the man I love?

“Haise…” You stroked my back “Please, look at me.”

“No… I’m ugly…” Your hand stopped for a second. Maybe you were taken aback by my words. I couldn’t tell for I couldn’t see your face.

“Don’t be stupid, Haise. You’re beautiful, look at me.” Your voice. Your words.

“I… I just… wanted to be with you… to spend time… time with you… and I’m a monster…”

“Haise…”

Your grip on me was firm when you pulled me into an embrace, putting my face against your chest though I was still crying, wrapping your arms around me in a very protective way. I felt secured, I felt safe.

“Cry as much as you need, Haise.”

“Arima-san…” I sobbed and my hands gripped on your clothing “I… I love you.”

Oh no, what did I say? Arima is already too close to somebody like me, if I say something like that, our relationship… But I couldn’t remain silent. I had to speak how much I need you. He is just going to push me away, he is just going to say this is not allowed by the CCG laws, he is just going to say…

“Haise…” My name. “Haise, I…”

“Please don’t say anything! Please!” I didn’t want to hear it, not yet, not now. Just let me live my fantasy for few more seconds.

“But, Haise…”

“No!” I yelled “Please… I need you, I love you… Don’t… please, don’t talk…”

You did as I asked. I stopped crying when you hugged me closer. Why were you doing that? To help me with my anxiety? Probably. I just tried to focus on how good it felt. It wasn’t like we were in a relationship or something. You were just comforting me. What was I to you? Probably more like a son. Probably more like a crossbreed. You never shown me love in a romantic way so there was no reason to except that kind of love from you. If only I knew you more… If only you weren’t so unreadable… Arima-san… I really really love you. I wanted to kiss you again. I couldn’t. Now I was out. Out of Cochlea, out of the pleasant dream.

“Haise…” You said as you detached me from you and cupped my face with both your hands “I… I can’t…”

I lowered my eyes in embarrassment. Of course you couldn’t. It just escaped me. I just screwed up everything, all the trust you put in me. I opened my mouth to mumble some awkward apology, hoping you’d forget about it and still allow me to be close to you but I had no time. Before I could realize what was happening your lips were on mine. My eyes widened and then closed. And I kissed you back, putting a hand on your neck. Were you kissing me or was it just a pleasant dream? I didn’t care. Nothing had ever felt better. I tilted my head and parted my lips to allow your tongue in. You were kissing me. Fuck, you were kissing me! You were good at it, way better than me. You broke it to catch some air and our foreheads were still touching. We were both panting. Your eyes were closed and your cheeks were pink. You were really beautiful.

“I’m sorry” you whispered and my eyes blinked with surprise “I thought, at Cochlea, even here, it was just despair but you… you love me, right?” You sounded so insecure.

“Arima-san…” our eyes met and I thought for a second my heart was about to burst into my chest, I spoke slowly and clearly “I am in love with you.”

You gave me a little push and my back hit the couch. You leaned down and kiss me again. And again. And again. Please never stop. Please never end. Maybe there was still a bit of anxiety left inside of me but you were terribly good at kissing the stress out of me.

“I love you too, Haise.”

 

“You know, we’re not allowed to have… such a relationship.”

Your lips brushing my neck and your fingers playing with mine, were you trying to distract me or was it your way to have a serious conversation?

“I know…” I half-whispered half-moaned “We can keep it secret.”

“Hmmm good.”

And our lips met again.

 

***

 

Tell me the truth, Kishou. You were just afraid, right? Afraid your love was one-sided, afraid I had kissed you before because I was just lost and jailed, afraid we could never be a couple. Afraid to be the jailer taking advantage of his prisoner as well, right? You are so cute, sometimes I just feel lucky to have known this secret side of you.

 

_‘Put your hands, put your hands,_

_Inside my face and see that it's just you._

_But it's bad and it's mad and it's making me sad,_

_Because I can't be with you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song : The Cranberries - I can't be with you


	5. It’s head versus heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those were our moments, and these were our days

_‘Is it a race, or a chase?_

_It's a difficult one._

_You're running faster and further away,_

_Or are you trying to keep up?’_

Those were probably the brightest days. I didn’t know it back then, I was filled with so much desire to do good, with so much desire to make things right for the two of us. Not only for the two of us. But mostly. I was happy though. Were you happy as well, Kishou?

 

***

 

Hiding was hard. I didn’t like it. Not at all. You were very careful at first. Maybe too careful. Keeping a reasonable distance between us at the office, being polite even formal sometimes. Reports, meetings, sparring and training sessions. No more. No less. I wanted to touch you, nothing much, like holding your hand or cupping your face or ruffling your hair. Something simple, something to make you understand I was here for you, something to make you feel I was just here by your side. Not as a CCG agent but as a lover. I guess it was hard for you too because you started to be less careful. Turning our training times into cuddling or make out sessions, stealing kisses from me behind closed doors, discretely catching my hand during those so long and boring meetings. I liked it better this way. I knew it was dangerous and such but… I needed that, I needed your touch.

 

You went by my place, as usual. You did that a lot after work. It was like… three weeks I confessed and I already felt like we had a routine. Mondays, Thursdays and weekends at yours, the others at mine. Though nothing much happened between us. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to be with you but… why were you so overprotective all the time? I don’t blame you, I can’t blame you. I know what I looked like: broken and fragile and in the need to be protected. And loved. Even if I felt a bit frustrated sometimes, I’m moved you took that time to get to know me, to let me get to know you. And to be honest, that caring? The way you wrapped your arms around me from behind when you came back from work? The way you read me books until I fell asleep? All this? I loved it.

You went by my place, came to take me into an embrace and buried your face in my hair. You know, Kishou, it’s hard now to try to remember that feeling, even if I close my eyes… Ah sorry, I’m being gloomy again. So you were hugging me, right you were hugging me really close and really good.

“I’m home, Haise.”

“Welcome home, Arima-san. Are you hungry?”

“Hmm…”

“Stop purring, you know I don’t speak cat.”

“You should learn.”

Your voice was really something. I’m glad I still remember it so well. It was smoothing me. You ate in silence, as always. And I watched you, drinking a cup of coffee, as always. I waited until you were finished to catch the dishes and started to wash them. You always insisted to do it but I was always faster. I think you just let me do them so you could hold me from behind the entire time and tickle me. I’m so ticklish and often the washing ended with a soaked me. But not this time. The kisses you left on my neck were different. The way you were caressing me was different. Finally, I thought. I remember very well. I stopped the running water and turned to face you.

“Haise…”

“Ssh…” I came closer to you “No need to talk.”

I put my arms around your neck and tiptoed to kiss you. You were so tall. Finally, I thought again as you grabbed me tighter. Finally, finally, finally…

 

I fell on my back on the bed. I extended a hand to undo your tie but I was a bit clumsy and you smiled. Of course I couldn’t remember it back then but I was pretty sure that I never had such an experience in my life. That you were my first. You leaned down to kiss me again and I undid the buttons of your shirt. I could feel myself becoming very hot when I first touched the naked skin of your torso. I had already touched it when we were cuddling and stuff but this felt… different. My fingers ran on your abs and I was… burning. You parted to look at me and I finished to get you rid of your shirt. I massaged your back and you cupped my face.

“Haise…” You gave me a peck on the nose “Are you… sure?”

“Arima-san…” Why were you so overprotective all the time? “I want you…”

“I… I see… Me too… I want you…”

There was so much insecurity in your voice it was surprising. But you went back at kissing me all the same and soon enough you got me topless under you. Your hands were trembling when you caressed my hips and so were your lips when you kissed my neck. I ran my hand through your white hair, moaning your name softly. I bucked my hips to press the lower parts of our bodies together and you tensed suddenly when our clothed crotches rubbed against each other. At first you matched my moves erratically, then you grinded against me, gripping my ass to press me harder against you. It couldn’t help moaning and grunting and breathing heavily as your lips travelled on my collarbone.

“A… Ah…rima-san… I’m gonna… ah… come if mmm… you keep… aaah!”

You said nothing but you also stopped moving. Our eyes met and I understood it all. I smiled and ran the back of my fingers on your cheek.

“I’m your first too, am I not?”

“Sorry” you whispered “I… I don’t know how to do it. I’ve… watched stuff but I’ve never…”

“Neither have I…”

I smiled again and rose to kiss you. While I moved my tongue alongside yours my hands went on your belt and undid it. I got you out of your pants, surprised you weren’t wearing any underwear. I’d understand later than you never wore any because they made you feel cramped. You were still hesitant but you got me naked as well. You sat on the bed and I settled into your lap. I wrapped my arms around your neck and kissed you even more hungrily. Your glasses were a bother but when I made a move to take them off you stopped me.

“No, Haise. I need to see you.”

This was something I understood completely, I had spent too many days not seeing you clearly. I went back kissing you despite your glasses and you put a hand on my back. And with your other hand you started to touch my cock. I moaned in the kiss and I had to detached my lips from yours to be able to breath in enough air. As your hand was stroking me up and down I rested my forehead against yours, panting. You pumped me a little faster before you stopped to take your cock as well in the grip of your hand and started stroking us both together. I screamed. I flung my head back and I scratched your back.

“Ah… Arima-san! I’m… I’m”

I was close. I bucked my hips to feel more of you. You only grunted and bit softly my neck in response and it didn’t take me long to release myself in your hand. You weren’t long to follow either. Once done, you lied onto your back and grabbed some tissues on the bed table. Your wiped your hand clean and I started kissing your chest. You played with my hair and my mouth came to take one of your nipples. I bit it and you mewled. I sucked on it until it was hard from overstimulation. And I kissed your belly, licked your belly button, kissed your hips, your thighs.

“Haise… what are you do… ah!”

I took you in my mouth without thinking. I didn’t know if I was doing it right, just aware I had to be careful with my teeth. I thought I was good enough by the sounds you made. I first sucked on the tip of your cock and tried to get more of it in my mouth. I bobbed my head up and down, encouraged by he way you moaned my name between grunts and pants. Encouraged by your hand on my hair. I kept going until you were fully erected again. You let escape a sigh when I stopped to open my drawer and take out a bottle of lube. When I handed it to you you were probably as blushing as I was. I lied on my back when you took it. You put some on your fingers, spread my legs and started teasing my hole, first with hesitation but you easily slid a finger in at your very surprise.

“Haise… does it hurt?”

“N-no… Mm… more Arima-san.”

How many times did I touch myself thinking of you? Many, too many. It was somehow loose now and your fingers inside of me were just… I arched back and mewled when you scissored them inside of me. I called your name when you pushed another finger inside and my cock twitched when you found my prostate.

“Ah… Arima-san, Arima-san… Arima-san! M-more…”

You played with my ass a bit, curling your fingers as you found my spot. I let escape a disappointed sound when you withdrew from me. I saw you being hesitant again as you positioned the head of your cock at my entrance. I spread my legs wider but you were still hesitating.

“Arima-san… just… please?”

I couldn’t make a sentence right. I just wanted you. I wanted you so bad. You finally went inside me. I mewled, it hurt a bit but I was prepared. You stood still for a while, letting me adjust to your size. Your limbs were shivering and you couldn’t look at me in the eye. I touched your cheek to make you face me and you leaned down for a kiss. You felt good in me but I needed more and I needed it now. I started to move my hips, slowly at first and then I enhanced the pace. You quickly matched my moves and thrust deep inside of me. I wrapped my arms around your neck. You started to gain in confidence and gripped more on my hips.

“Haise…” you whispered with a low voice.

“Ari…ma-san…”

You were thrusting deeper and faster. I assumed you wanted to say something but you were too close to speak and so was I. I couldn’t think straight. You were inside of me. You were inside of me and that was the only thing I had in mind. I couldn’t even warn you before I came again, splattering the both of us with my semen. I still felt you through my post-coital bliss, fucking my ass so good, stretching my insides, making me feel so full. Complete. You said my name again when you came in me. I could feel your come leaking out of me. I shivered. We rested a while without moving, you needed to come back to your senses. When you finally withdrew you rolled on your side. You were about to speak but I put a finger on your lips before I nuzzled my face into the crook of your neck. You locked your arms around me, understanding. I don’t remember what follows though, I must have fallen asleep. We must have fallen asleep, exhausted by our first time together.

 

“Haise?”

“Mmm?”

“Please call me by my first name.”

“But…”

“Haise. I want you to say my first name. I love you.”

“I love you too, Arima-san.”

“Haise…”

“I love you too, Ki… Kishou.”

 

***

 

Who would have even imagined you were clumsy in bed? Almost nobody I guess. Who would have assumed you wanted to do the right thing so bad you were often frustrating, too hesitant and way too careful? But really, Kishou… Even your flaws, I miss them.

 

  _‘There is no time_

_For wasting any time._

_This is the end of the line,_

_The definite sign_

_Of what we will be_

_Someday.’_


	6. Hear my promise of blistering light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold me close. Only few minutes. I need to feel human warmth. Even if it's only for five minutes

_‘Let's play with the fire that runs in our veins_

_Trust in the might of a miracle’_

 

I want to believe in afterlife, Kishou. Because there’s no way you could have left me like this. There’s no way you could have abandoned me like this. I’m not alone. We’ll see each other again, right Kishou? Tell me you’re waiting for me, in the hereafter.

 

***

 

The kids. The Quinx. The Qs. I remember when we first talked about it. I was so taken aback. Me, raising some kids who received a ghoul transplant? Haha nice joke. No way, too much responsibility. It wasn’t for me. No way. And having those kids to take care of would mean less time together, elaborating strategies to keep it secret. Oh no no no no no. It was selfish of me but I was ready to refuse it with all my heart, to play the mental instability card. Until the CCG made me understand I didn’t really have a choice. I felt trapped, I felt played with. And when I looked at you your eyes were sad.

 

The kids tuned out to be lovely and my behavior unfair. I was always somehow sad when I was with them. Because I couldn’t be with you instead. I know it’s selfish, I know it’s bad but… It’s not like I didn’t love my kids, I still love my kids, they are _my_ kids after all but… But I wished I spent more time with you. They’re (almost) still alive. And you’re not. You’re not. Where did the time go? And what have I done? This is just a bad dream, right? I’m about to wake up and we’ll cuddle, right? You’ll kiss the nightmare away. You’ll put a hand of my cheek. “I’m here, Haise” you’ll say. Right, Kishou?

 

I remember the things started to get tricky between us. As if we knew already we hadn’t much time. I rushed in your office too many times and it wasn’t for work advice. You must have been in the same desperate mood because you always understood. I remember I always slammed your door open on those days.

“Arima-san!”

My voice was trembling and I could feel your colleagues (especially Hirako) gaze at me in my back. You always looked up from some paperwork, sometimes a book and your voice was very composed and calm despite the rush in your veins.

“Haise, close the door.”

I knew what this meant and I locked the door. You got up and you wrapped your arms around me very possessively. You kissed me hungrily and messily. I gripped on you as if you were about to disappear by any minute. I kissed you back so roughly our teeth shocked. But none of us cared. You pushed me violently against the wall and I bit your lower lip out of surprise. We stopped kissing and I licked the cut I made as an apology. You put both your hands on my neck and lifted my head up. Your hands were so firm it felt like you owned me. I liked that idea. I wished you owned me for real.

“Kishou, I need…”

I knew I begged though I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to feel you, to touch you, I wanted to come back to the days when I could just pop by your place and spend the night here without anybody asking where I was and what I did. That wasn’t even possible and this… Asking for it in your office like that, on a too regular basis, made me feel like a heated animal unable to restrain itself. I hated it. I just wanted a normal relationship with you. Why did we have to hide ourselves? Why did it turn out so wrong?

“I know, Haise, I know” your voice was sad “I need it too.”

Your hand ended up on my ass directly and you pressed our clothed crotches together. You were still insecure when it came to sex and it was pleasant. It reminded me of our first time. How good it was. We took all the time we needed back then. Now it was just desperate desk sex and we called it an act of love. After all it still was an act of love. We rubbed against each other a bit before we got ourselves rid of our pants. We never had much time, if I stayed too long in your office, people would start asking questions. I felt like I already came here too often and people started to be suspicious about what we actually did in here.

“Please Kishou, not so fast…”

You were on your knees. I was in your mouth. I felt like the happiest and saddest man in the world at the same time. Why did we have to hide like criminals when we were just loving each other like normal people? You were bobbing your head fast and I had to cover my mouth with my own hand to muffle my moans and screams. You were good to me, so good to me. I wanted to scream you were mine, I wanted to scream I was yours. I wanted the entire CCG to hear us so we wouldn’t have to hide anymore. But I loved you and respected you too much to risk your position like that so I kept it all for myself. The warmth and wetness of your mouth were too much for me. Your insecurity made you a bit clumsy in your doing but it was such a turn on. So good to me… so good to me… I bit my own hand when I came. I tasted my own blood. My body tensed, you swallowed my semen. The bite on my hand was already completely healed when you kissed me, making me taste myself on your tongue.

“Kishou… I love you…” I whispered when we parted.

“I know, I know. I love you too, Haise.”

You stroked my back and we kissed again. Then you flipped me around and I faced the wall. I put my hands on it and spread my legs. You put your hand on my mouth before you slid one of your fingers inside of me. My moans were all silenced. You quickly added a second finger and a third. I was somehow used to that by now, I was loose so you never played very long with my ass. We did have much time after all. I really wanted to moan when you pushed yourself inside of me. I really wanted to scream when you started to thrust, when you bit softly my neck, leaving marks nobody would ever see. I wanted to call your name when you whispered mine in my ear, when your fingers wrapped around my cock and pumped me. I was trembling all over, I was close but didn’t want to come. I wanted you inside as long as possible. It was so good, you were so good. With you in me I felt complete. I felt myself. But I couldn’t last forever, neither could you. And, unable to warn you, I splattered your hand with my seed. I felt yours filling me soon after. It was only after you came you realized you gripped me too tight.

“Sorry, Haise…” your voice was trembling.

You withdrew and I turned around to face you. I smiled and told you everything was fine, I love you, you could never hurt me. We quickly cleaned ourselves and rearranged your clothes. I thanked you and was about to leave when you suddenly pulled me closer to you. You hid my face in the crook of your neck to make me unable to see your tears but your voice was betraying your crying.

“Haise… when can I return your books to you?”

 _Haise, when can I pass by your place?_ was the true meaning of your question. _Haise, when can we spend time together?_ You were desperate, I was desperate.

“Next week…” I whispered “The kids have some training and if I call in sick maybe you can…”

“I’ll be there, Haise” you pulled me closer with your trembling hands “I won’t let such a chance pass by… I need… I need to…”

“Yes, Kishou…” I gripped on your shirt “We need time for ourselves.”

 

You were the weak one, Kishou. Nobody knew. I was your first love, your first kiss, your first in everything. And it was so wrong and tragic. Kishou, your life was a tragedy. A God of Death can’t expect a happy ending.

 

***

 

Kishou… when can I return your books to you? They’ve been lingering in my room for so long, they miss you. Hey, Kishou, tell me… when?

 

_‘One day I know we will meet again_

_In the shade of a life to die for_

_Watching the world through the eyes of a child in Elysium’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kamelot - Veil of Elysium


	7. Yesterday was another life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kishou, why did you have to die for me?

_‘There's no going back_

_When life's a loaded gun, you pull the trigger, trigger_

_There's no going back_

_The past is in the past’_

Kishou… what’s the point? It hurts, it fucking hurts. And I can’t help it, honestly. And I don’t even want it to stop. Kishou, if I stop calling back those memories, who would remember you? Nobody, nobody can remember you the way I do. Nobody saw that side of you. Kishou, it hurts but… I feel like if I stop you would be truly dead. You still live, Kishou. You’re still very alive, and very happy, in my heart.

 

***

 

I had missed such a feeling. I woke up and you were here. I woke up and your head was resting against my chest. I woke up and _you were here_. It was as simple as that. I didn’t need more, honestly. As long as you were here I was happy enough. I was even more than happy. I listened to your regular breathing, felling it against my neck. You were always the little spoon, Kishou. I guess you found peace wrapped into my arms like this. I petted your hair. It was so soft, as usual. I could hear you purr as I softly touched you. You were the closest being to a cat. Really, I’ve never seen or heard someone behave like you before. I loved that. I loved it so much. In fact, Kishou, I loved you. Why the past tense? I still do.

I couldn’t help staring at your face. You were so beautiful and it was enhanced when you were sleeping. Because you were finally at peace, you were finally at ease, you were finally yourself. Kishou, in my arms you were finally home. You know, Kishou, that bad habit of mine, it’s probably one of the thing I miss the most about all this. The way I had to kiss your lips, very shyly, very carefully, trembling a little and feeling very insecure. Just like Cochlea. I have to say, your half-open lips on your still sleeping face were so tantalizing. Really, did you really expect me to be able to stand against them? I was surrendering every time. I couldn’t just help myself. I caught a glimpse of those lips and the second after mine were on yours already. Of course you tensed out of surprise. I waited, I waited each time for you to relax.

When I felt you were very relaxed, I went deeper. You know, just like Cochlea, just slowly pushing my tongue between your lips, to taste yours. Very very carefully. It was all like Cochlea, your taste, the sleepiness, my heart going so wild I was afraid I could die of a stroke by any second. Everything the same. Everything but one thing. On all those times you kissed me back. You were so sleepy it made you clumsy and a bit eager but for what I cared. You tightened your hold on me as well.

“Hello, sleepyhead…” I whispered when we parted.

“Hello you too…” your voice was so sleepy but I never heard something cuter.

“Kishou…” I glanced quickly at the alarm. 9am. Nice “You know what time is it?”

“Mmm… no…” You nuzzled closer “… sleepy…”

“Kishou…” I detached a bit myself from you “Kishou… it’s late…”

I remember how stubborn you were though and you pulled me closer again, putting my back against your stomach and locking your arms around me so I couldn’t even try to make a move out of the bed. I tried to protest but it was no use. And also a bit of a lie. I liked being in your arms, I liked your warmth so much. It’s a shame I can’t really remember it anymore. Such a shame… I… I’m sorry, it’s overwhelming, again. I just miss you, you know. My bed is now so cold I can barely sleep in it at night. I… I’m so sorry, Kishou. But I think I need a minute…

 

***

 

“Kaneki, are you okay?”

“I… Yeah, I am… Just thinking about… stuff.”

“Kaneki, you should come with us.”

_Aaah don’t call me that. Please don’t call me that._

“Touka, I need to be alone… please…”

“Kaneki…”

_Stop, just stop. I’m not Kaneki Ken. I’m Sasaki Haise. I am Haise._

“Leave… Touka, just leave…”

_You don’t understand, you wouldn’t understand._

“Fine.”

_Because you value me, because you despise him._

“If you need something, you know we’re here for you, Kaneki.”

_But I am…_

.

.

.

I am Haise.

 

***

 

Ah, I’m sorry. Really. You didn’t leave my mind during this interruption. It’s the first time it happens, I must apologize. Though you’d probably say there’s nothing to apologize for if you were here with me. I don’t want to be around them, you know. I like them, they are my friends. But now, just for now, I need to think of you.

 

“Kishou, it’s late…”

And I was in your arms, and you nuzzled my hair, and you nuzzled my neck. And you held me so tight I couldn’t escape. And I didn’t want to escape.

“Late as in we can’t go to work?” you joked.

“Late as in the kids are already up and nothing’s ready” my voice stammered.

“They can handle themselves for once…”

“Kishou, you’re aware they don’t even know you’re here?”

You didn’t seem to like this remark and held me even tighter. I could feel you were trembling and I felt sorry all of a sudden. It was stupid. I was just anxious about the kids. I wanted to be a good parent for them. I was oh so clumsy. I apologized, you said it was okay but obviously it was not. I extended a hand to touch your cheek and you seemed to feel better a little bit. I hated my clumsiness. I still do.

“We should tell the kids the truth about us. I don’t want to hide, it’s painful.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“But I trust them! You trust them! Kishou, stop being so overprotective!”

“I…” You loosened your grip on me to let me face you “It’s dangerous” you repeated.

I was about to say something but you kissed me. It was so brutal and sudden our teeth shocked at first. Your tongue went invasive but I opened wide. Your arms locked around me and I was trapped again. I wish I could have been your prisoner for eternity. You were crying. It took me some time to realize you were crying. The taste of your kiss was bitter. My cheeks went wet. Your nails entered my flesh. You were sobbing and you needed to break the kiss to be able to breathe normally again.

“You don’t… don’t understand h-how much I-I need you, H-Haise” It was hard for you to speak through your sobs “I-I need you so much… I w-would die for you, Haise…”

“Kishou, don’t say such things.”

“B-But I would, Haise.”

“Don’t say such things!” It was too late when I realized I yelled “Don’t be so selfish you haven’t the right to speak about death so easily!” I cupped your face in both my hands desperately. I had started to cry as well “If you were to die, what would become of me? You need me but I also need you…”

“Haise…”

“You are not allowed to die, you hear me? You are not allowed to die!”

I was shaking. I realized I had shouted only when the door of my room was flung open, revealing a concerned Shirazu, followed by the rest of the squad.

“Sassan, are you o--? Wow sorry.”

The door slammed shut almost as soon as it flung open. We could hear the shouts of the kids and Shirazu saying something about making breakfast. I looked at you and you seemed so astonished. I giggled and gave you a peck on the nose.

“Well, problem solved. They know.”

 

Of course the kids never were a problem, they quickly understood the need to keep it secret from the heads of the CCG and all the stuff. They were very comprehensive and let us a lot of privacy. And this is when you started to abandon your own apartment to stay here, with us. Kishou, you know, if I close my eyes, I see the kids, I see you and you smile at them, and you smile at me, and we’re happy… Yes, Kishou, we’re happy…

 

***

 

I am Sasaki Haise. I am Haise. I chose that name with you, you gave that name to me. No way I’m going to get rid of it. I am not Ken, I never was truly happy as Ken. But when I was Haise… When I was Haise, I had you. When I was Haise, I had my kids. When I was Haise, I had my family. Kishou… did you see me as Haise, in your last moments?  

 

 

 

            _‘The future I'm living now_

_Is not what I'd thought it'd be_

_The person I was before_

_Is nothing like me’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sick Puppies - There's no going back


	8. And I don't really wanna be a child of desolation anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My inner world is quaking

_‘Always know that you are not alone._

_Take my hand,_

_My gutter child adventure,_

_You are not alone.’_

Sometimes Kishou, we were close to a normal family. You, me and the kids. No CCG, no ghoul-killing, no risky missions. Just us. Together. With our ups and downs. With our sweet moments and our little arguing. Imagine, Kishou. Imagine if we had quitted… Imagine if our only worry was to choose between pancakes or bacon and eggs in the morning. Imagine, Kishou… How happy we would have been.

 

***

 

I wanted to hold this party. It meant a lot to me. It meant a lot for the kids as well. Of course, you were more often at the Chateau than at your own home now but… but this was different, you know. This was something normal people do and I wanted us to be normal for once. I had even invited Akira. To make it be like a true family meeting. I spent the entire day getting ready for it. The kids had decorated the house. I had cooked everything. I hoped it would be good. I couldn’t taste the food so I always was very insecure about it. Either good or bad, it always tasted the same to me. The kids said it smelt nice at least. I was somehow relieved.

 

When you arrived with Akira, I was finishing to dress dessert. I could hear the kids chat loudly and joyfully and I smiled. Everything was normal. We had finally come to some normality ourselves. I was so blinded by the happiness I felt I didn’t hear you coming. I only noticed your presence when you wrapped your arms around my waist from behind.

“It smells good, Haise…” you said, giving my cheek a peck.

“Thank you…” I almost purred, I was always feeling so good in your arms.

“You’re beautiful in this outfit too…” You nuzzled my hair.

I had dressed for the occasion but I wasn’t sure you could really see anything for I had still my apron on. I giggled. Kishou, how could you be so cute? What was your secret? How were you able to make me melt, just like that?

“You’re beautiful too…” I blushed.

“How can you tell? You didn’t even look at me yet.”

“I don’t need to, I know you are beautiful, Kishou.”

I could feel you smile against my skin and I shifted my head to kiss you. I just meant a small kiss at first but things got a little bit out of hands. You deepened it. You tasted good, as always. Something like coffee. Not quite. Your arms tightened around me. Kishou… I turned around to face you and hooked my arms around your neck. I was happy you were there. I was happy you were in my life, Kishou. I was happy, just happy. It doesn’t sound like it but it means a lot. Those moments were so precious I wish to keep them in mind forever. We parted and I made a move to go back to my dessert but you pressed my face close to your chest.

“Kishou…” I faked annoyance “If you don’t let me finish, the dinner will never be ready.” I smiled.

“Haise…” your voice was almost a whisper, it trembled “Thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, actually…”

“Haise… I can’t ever remember having been to a Christmas party before. I can’t remember having exchanged gifts with other people around a tree. I was just… alone.”

My heart stopped for a moment. That was so sad. And I was also happy at the same time, happy it was over, happy this time you had people to share a dinner and exchange gifts with. I almost felt like crying but I managed a sad smile.

“It’s over, Kishou. You’re not alone anymore. We’re your family.”

“Haise…” You held me even closer “I’m happy now.”

 

 

 

 

“A necktie pin?” You smiled.

“Yeah…” I looked down and blushed “It’s not much, really. I gave Akira-san a hairclip… I wanted something more personal than just a book but…” I scratched the back of my head in embarrassment.

“It’s perfect, Haise. I love it.”

“Re-really?”

“Yes… But I love _you_ even more.”

“S-stop… silly!”

“Here’s my gift for you.”

You extended a wrapped package. It looked like a book. I suddenly felt very bad about the very words I had just said. I cursed myself internally, called myself clumsy and I started to tear the paper up. But I was wrong. It was just only a book. It was probably _the_ book. I felt so warm inside and tears came to my eyes.

“Kishou… I can’t… this is…”

“This is probably my most personal belonging. This book was always with me. It was a gift from my mother, or at least this is what the writing on the first page says. I don’t really remember, I guess I was too young.”

“This is why I can’t accept!” I said that but I was holding the book against my heart “It’s too intimate, Kishou.”

“Haise, please…”

Your voice was soft. You would break down if I refused. I took the book off my chest and started to flip the pages randomly. I knew the book, I knew the story by heart. I flipped all the same, trying to find my favorite excerpts. I noticed something. There was something scribbled in the margin.

_‘Where can I find my rose?’_

It was so pure, so innocent. I couldn’t, oh no I couldn’t… Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t even bother to wipe them off.

_‘Where can I find my rose?’_

I could almost here your childish voice. It was cute, melodious. I could feel your hand tugging at my pants’ clothing, asking the same question over and over again. I don’t know if I was hallucinating or something but… It was so beautiful and painful at the same time. A little like our current relationship. It was hard to breathe.

“Ki… shou…” I managed to say between trembling lips, laying on you my eyes full of tears.

“You’re my rose, Haise.”

You came closer and softly wrapped your arms around me.

“I’ve finally found you.”

 

 

 

 

When the party was over, I felt exhausted. I was washing the last dishes and the kids were already in bed. Akira had left. You had left. I was a little disappointed but you needed to go to your own place sometimes. I knew that. I just wanted to keep you around all the time. That was so selfish of me, wasn’t it? Honestly, I don’t even regret such thoughts. Especially now. Especially now there’s no going back. Sorry, I didn’t mean to… again… I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry… I was humming a song, ready to get to bed myself when I heard knocks on the door. At such a late hour I wasn’t really willing to open my door to strangers, but I’m a half-ghoul and I wasn’t really at risk when confronted to strangers. I was so surprised to see you, standing in the cold.

“Kishou? What’s the matter? Is something wrong?”

“I… forgot my tie.”

You stepped it without asking for my permission and pulled me into a kiss. It was soft, warm, needy. Made me feel hot and shivering at the same time. Your hands on me… I wasn’t really feeling tired now. Not at all… I wanted you. In fact, I had wanted you all night. We parted and you looked at me. Your eyes…

“Can I stay here tonight?”

“Kishou, this is your home.”

 

No need to say that tie spent the entire night on the couch.

 

***

 

I’ve kept that tie. I’ve even succeeded to take that book with me. I keep it hidden though. I don’t want anybody but me to read it. All the words you scribbled… I still believe the Little Prince was your first true friend. As he was mine.

_‘Where can I find my rose?’_

But the sheep ate my rose…  

Because I wasn't enough to protect her... 

 

_‘I’ll take you where the lovers go to sleep,_

_My borderline affection._

_Now close your eyes, don’t be afraid._

_You’re not alone…’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kamelot - Beautiful Apocalypse


	9. Watch the time go right out the window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were a prince but you made me king

_‘Time is a valuable thing_

_Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings_

_Watch it count down to the end of the day_

_The clock ticks life away’_

 

I’m getting close to the end. I don’t really want to keep going. I want to keep living in the dream. I’m trying my best. You’d be proud if you could see me (can you see me?). I’m acting strong, as a king. Like you wanted me to. I’m honoring your legacy, Kishou. But most times I just wish I could throw this stupid crown away… or just trade it to have you back (can I have you back?). But the sheep ate my rose. And it is known you can’t fix what has been consumed.

 

***

 

I always knew there was something wrong with you. It would have been hypocrite not to notice how bad your sight had become despite your glasses. It had worsened since Cochlea, I could tell. It was hard for you to read sometimes. You had stopped to read me books and I didn’t catch you with one for yourself as often as before. You said you were “tired” or “busy”, sometimes “not in the mood” or that you “love my voice better”. Tricks not to read yourself. I always put a sad smile on, trying not to question your words. You were perhaps not ready to talk about it. I was patient. I decided to wait for the moment when you’d be. It never came. Well, I’m lying, it came… You confessed everything before you left. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you hadn’t and still were here. I wish I still had to wait to know the terrible truth behind that bad eyesight.

 

It was frustrating though. You felt crippled, handicapped, powerless. Maybe you were in pain. It’s not like you ever told me those things by yourself. I always had to make you talk.

“Tsss…” you hissed as you closed the book, removing your glasses to rub your eyes.

“What’s wrong, Kishou?” I closed my book as well and put it on the bed table. I liked to read in bed before going to sleep, with you by my side. Now I realize it could have been painful to see me read so easily when it took you tremendous efforts. Just know that I’m sorry. I wasn’t really thinking.

“It’s nothing…” you whispered but I could hear the tears in your trembling voice “I must have done too much paperwork today. My eyes can’t focus.”

“You’re a bad liar, you know…” I said as I wrapped my arms around you, stoking your white hair gently “Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“I…” your hands gripped on the book nervously. It was Kafka’s _Trial_. I remember it like it was yesterday. “I… I am…” you tried to talk but your voice died in your throat. Whatever it was (I know now what it was and it’s killing me) you couldn’t speak it.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

I tried to reassure you the best I could, I moved the book away, made the both of us lay on our sides. You nuzzled my neck and held me close and tight. Really tight. As if you were afraid I could disappear (but you were the one disappearing…). You cried and I massaged the skin of your back, muttering words of comfort, saying that I love you, that I could hear everything. You cried a lot, tried to speak up again but apparently it was way too much for you.

“I… I… c-can’t…” you finally managed “I’m sorry… I can’t…”

“It’s fine, Kishou. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

Of course you couldn’t tell your lover you were about to die soon but I was far from knowing it was that tragic. I thought it was stress, work pressure, maybe some eye illness… But you were so healthy otherwise I could have never thought you were actually exhausted and about to break down.

“I don’t want to die…” you said as your nails enter my skin. You were afraid, you voice was stammering. “Haise, I don’t want to die!”

“Sssh… you’re not going to die, I’ve got you.” What kind of fool was I?

“Haise…” it hurt, the way you said my name. It was as if someone was stabbing my heart with an iced weapon “Haise, please make love to me.”

“What?”

I was surprised. Of course, it was so sudden, I couldn’t expect something like that. The way you said it was painful also. As if you desperately needed me. Which you probably did. You don’t need to ask for such thing, I wanted to say, of course I will, do not worry. But it wasn’t the same. You didn’t ask for sex. You asked me to make love to you. It wasn’t the same. You asked me to take the lead. You asked me to take care of you. I wanted to, really. But would I be able to? I was so weak and insecure. I wasn’t sure I could do this right. It felt like a first and I shivered. I was pleased of course. And I desired you. I desired to protect you. Oh, Haise, silly Haise, why did you let the sheep eat your rose?

“Please make love to me…” You repeated. It was a plea. An obvious plea. I took your face in the palms of my hands and kissed your lips softly. I was trembling like it was our first time. In a way it was. We never made love this way before.

“I’ll take care of you, Kishou. Don’t worry. I’m right here.”

 

 

 

I was clumsy. I’m pretty sure I was clumsy when I started to touch you. You were lying on your back, I was trying my best to undress you carefully. Massaging your skin in firm circles. How do we make love? My thoughts were intrusive I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough. I wouldn’t be careful enough, I couldn’t help thinking that. My fingers trembled when I touched you. My mouth trembled when I leaned down to kiss you. Even my tongue trembled when I rubbed it against yours. Every part of me trembled. Every part of you was so desperate. The way you held onto me. I could never forget. You held onto me to the point it hurt. I didn’t care. I knew you needed me. I caressed each inch of you with extreme kindness.

“Haise… Ah Haise… Hai…se…”

It was like you couldn’t stop saying my name as I stroked you up and down tenderly. I wasn’t going fast. It seemed pleasurable enough for you. You were shivering, obviously aroused. You were moaning my name as you flung your head back on the pillow. You were breaking out a sweat. You were so beautiful and it saddened me. Tears rolled down your cheeks onto the bed. It was as if I was the last thing that made you feel alive somehow. My heart squeezed and I fought back the urge to cry myself. I had to be strong.

“Kishou…” I whispered in a tender tone “Kishou, look at me. You’re beautiful. You’re alive. You are not going to die. You know why, Kishou?” You shook your head. Your cheeks had flushed. So cute, I thought as I went on with my hand. “Because I’m here to protect you, Kishou. I’ll save your life.”

“Haise!” You half-moaned half-screamed. You cried even more. I understood. You needed me. You could cry, I’d still protect you…

 

_But I couldn’t protect you in the end…_

_And I let the sheep ate my rose._

“Haise, I… I…” You gripped the sheets so hard your knuckles were turning white. It was quite a sight, you… like this… I wonder, did I look so beautiful and desirable when you were the one doing this to me? You never looked so perfect to me.

“Sssh… don’t talk…” I said as I started to suck at your neck. I’d leave marks but I couldn’t seem to care less. My hand went a little bit faster. Until you splattered white all over your belly.

“Hai…se… aah… Haise… Haise… aah…” You were panting hard, trying to say my name as if you were reciting some prayer or litany.

My tongue went down and cleaned your pretty pale skin. You were warm and you tasted good. Your hand was playing with my hair during the entire process. I took my time. Not only because I was a bit afraid. I wanted it to last. I wanted you to feel complete. My tongue swirled in your belly button and I could feel you shiver. It was really pleasant to know I was the one making you feel that way.

“H-Haise… m-more…” You shyly ask as you grip my hair a little more.

I answered nothing and just went lower, encouraged by your words. I licked your hole and I was surprised by the taste. There’s actually no word to describe it. It’s… good and intense and… My kakugan revealed at the very second I tasted you and you tensed. I teased you until my tongue could easily go in. You muttered incoherent things as I pushed deeper. You tasted so good I was drooling. My chin was covered with saliva but I couldn’t care less. You were making such lovely noises. You whined when I withdrew. You arched again when I put my fingers in you, making such an exquisite sound.

“Hai-ise… Uah… Hai… se…”

You were restless you whined again when I removed my fingers from you. I positioned at your entrance, very carefully. It felt good, wet and warm when I pushed myself all inside of you. I was careful but still afraid I could have hurt you. I was hoping you felt as good as I did. Buried all in you, your walls clenching around my length, it was amazing. You looked so beautiful under me, sweating a bit, eyes closed, lips half-open, cheeks flushed a bit.

“Haise…” you whispered and you cried again, but it wasn’t despair anymore “I feel… full… so alive…” Your voice was really hoarse now.

“You’re alive, Kishou. And I love you.”

I moved my hips, each thrust a little faster, a little deeper. I quickly set a gentle pace. You tried to call my name several times, you only spoke confused sounds when I found your spot. Until you came again, until I came too, inside of you. My limbs were shaking so much I collapsed onto your chest. I was about to pull out but you locked your arms around me and kissed me. You weren’t trembling or crying anymore.

“Haise… can you… stay inside a little longer?” You blushed “I feel so… alive with you in me…”

“Kishou…” I smiled and ran my fingers on your torso softly “As long as you need.”

 

 

 

_I’ll be there for you…_

_I’ll protect you…_

_I’ve got you…_

_You are alive._

_You are with me._

_You are alive._

_Alive._

_Alive…_

***

 

At the end of the book we don’t know how the story ends. Did the Little Prince make it back to his asteroid? Could he protect his rose? Did they live happily until the end of times? I want to believe so, Kishou. I want to but…

 

_‘I'll look as if I'm dead, and that won't be true.'_

_I said nothing._

_'You understand. It's too far. I can't take this body with me. It's too heavy.'_

_I said nothing._

_'But it'll be like an old abandoned shell. There's nothing sad about an old shell...'_

_I said nothing._

 

I know where to find you, Kishou. On the asteroid B-612.

 

_‘I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn’t even matter’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end - Linkin Park
> 
> Disclaimer: I only read the Little Prince in French, so sorry if the translation is not the official one


	10. Night's coming fast, sun's going down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kishou, my prince, my rose...  
> Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT /!\  
> I'm going on a hiatus for the two maybe three following weeks, because of Xmas and New Year Eve with my family, stay safe everyone <33

_‘A good friend once told me you are memory_

_without them we equal nothing_

_And all I can see is the place I wanna be_

_Suddenly my life was so free.’_

This is it. This is the end. The end. Those words are so heavy. I’m not sure I could speak them correctly. I’m not sure of anything anymore, Kishou. I just want to feel your warmth again, your arms, hear your voice and see that ghost of a smile on your lips. I want to smell your scent again and taste you, for I forgot about your scent and your taste. But I do remember your voice, I do remember your smile. Memories are important, right?

 

***

 

I don’t really want to remember _that_ part. When my memories were back it was all too different. I had lost my purity, I wasn’t that much of Haise anymore. I was violent, I was so full of anger and despair. I wanted to destroy everything. Myself included. But not you, you… I wanted you to be the one to kill me. Because you loved me. Because I trusted you with my life. I wanted everything to end and I wanted it to be _you_. My God, my light, my lover, my teacher… If someone could strike me with inevitable fate, it was you. I was dying inside now I wasn’t that much of Haise anymore. I wanted to die. I wanted to die in your arms and by your hand.

But you wanted to die as well and that was something I never knew. You were dying as well but on an entire different level. You were physically dying. Your body was failing you a little more each day. In the end you couldn’t even see me. You wanted to die before you were a wreck. You were probably going through so much pain as well… It’s something you never spoke about, silly… (I want to cry) You wanted to die by my hand. (I mustn’t cry)

We both wanted to die by each other’s hand. Star-crossed lovers, indeed. This is not a happy story. I’m the hero of a tragedy after all, why did I expect to be allowed a happy ending?

 

_Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..._

 

I had changed too much, again. Everything was too different, you put some distance between us, you were scared, you were insecure, I wasn’t the man you used to know. But I came back. You allowed me back but it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t that smiling Haise anymore, I kept it all for myself. I had a mission. I thought it’d be my last job. You were different as well. More insecure. You barely initiated anything. You seemed afraid when you kissed me and you often cried when we had sex. Even that was different. I took the lead too often, trying to comfort you, to make feel… to remind you that you were mine. To remind you that I was Haise, somehow.

“Haise…” you kept calling but your voice sounded like you didn’t even believe in this name anymore “Haise…” a voice so full of tears “Haise!” a voice that tore my heart up.

Those days were painful. But we were aware we couldn’t come back to the old days anymore. I wasn’t Haise… and you weren’t the Reaper. We were just two broken lost souls in desperate need for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I never stopped loving you.

 

_It is such a secret place, the land of tears._

 

I love you. Oh I love you. My feelings hadn’t changed at all. It was like we knew the end was coming and we were desperate to touch and be with each other for the time we had left. Even if my memories were back, I was never mad at you, despite V14. You were just doing your job there, and I was pretty sure I had lost control of my mind as well. Anyway I can look for excuses as long as I want. The fact is I was never mad at you, no matter the reasons. I don’t need an excuse, I don’t need to justify myself, I wasn’t mad because I loved you. That was as simple as that. Simple things, simple feelings. A simple thing that is now smashing me into tiny pieces. Why, Kishou? Wasn’t there no other way? Did you really have to… die? (I’m crying) Kishou, why did you… kill yourself just under my eyes? Did you really think I could cope with it? Why were you so selfish? (I’m so weak)

 

_One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed…_

I saw that fight coming from miles away. You were prepared as well, it was an act of fate, we couldn’t avoid it. But I didn’t expect it to end this way. The gap between us was huge, you were on an entire different level, despite everything. I was a mess when you hadn’t even a scratch. You pushed me to my limits, you awakened me and then you… (I can’t!) you… (I can’t! I can’t! I can’t) died. In my arms. This is not what I wanted. But you seemed relieved after you confessed all those things. But you seemed happy in the end. You even called me Haise. I was your last word.

 

_‘Haise, I don’t want to die… I don’t want to die!’_

 

_He fell as gently as a tree falls._

 

Will you forgive me? I couldn’t even protect you. I had forgotten to put you under your glass globe, my rose. And the sheep went to eat you. But you were beautiful, even then. You were my rose.

 

***

 

“Haise… I love you” you were crying when you said that, I wasn’t really paying attention, reading some book in the bed. You were curled against my chest. It was long gone, your eyesight. I knew you couldn’t read anymore. So you watched me read. Did you watch? Could you see? I should have taken a better care of you.

“I love you too, Kishou” I was stroking your hair, petting your head softly.

If only I had known this would be our last night together, I would have shown you love in a better way, believe me. I knew we were coming to an end but I thought we had a little more time together. You can’t even imagine how bad I feel to have been so detached and distant this night. Reading, not paying you much attention, just petting your hair, rubbing your back. But you nuzzled my neck and kissed it softly. I should have made love to you.

“I love you” you kept repeating “I love you, I love you, I love you, I lo…”

“I’ve got you, Kishou. Everything’s fine.”

It wasn’t. The only one I was fooling was me. You cried even more. You cried a lot in the end. You cried too much. I didn’t know how to handle you. I didn’t know how to handle you when I was hoping you could kill me… soon.

I should have made love to you.

 

_There’s nothing sad about an empty shell._

But your empty shell was so sad to look at, Kishou.

 

_He, Ainu, the aged eagle,_

_He who is old and wrinkled, and tired of pain…_

 

Do you remember that poem I learnt for you? Do you remember when I spoke those words to rock you to sleep? Do you remember I spoke them too… when you died? (I hurt, don’t make me do this…)

 

***

 

Kishou, I wished I never left Cochlea. Is it selfish to wish the CCG had gotten rid of me? Is it selfish to wish that you could still be alive, even if I had to die for you?

 

_It is the time you wasted for your rose…_

 

Silly Haise, wasting time for your rose to let it be eaten in the end… But do I regret it? No. It’s painful but I don’t regret anything. I am grateful I met you, I am grateful I fell in love with you, I am grateful I had the chance to be loved by you. Even for a short time. Only fools think everything lasts forever.

 

_… that makes your rose so important._

Thank you for the dream, Kishou. It was good while it lasted. I don’t regret a single thing. I really was oh so happy to have you by my side.

 

***

 

But there was only one rose on my little planet.

 

_Look up at the sky. Ask yourselves: is it yes or no? Has the sheep eaten the flower? And you will see how everything changes…_

I know you’re there, somewhere… Unable to reach me. But we will meet again, right? Because Kishou… you never told me goodbye.  

 

_Please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back._

***

 

Goodnight, Kishou, my love, my rose, my tired eagle.

May we meet again in our dreams.

 

_‘Leaves at my feet, blown to the ground_

_their echoes are reaching my ears.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avenged Sevenfold - Remenissions
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I read the Little Prince only in French, sorry if the translation isn’t official

**Author's Note:**

> Summary's song: Can you remember, Kamelot
> 
> Chapter 1's song: My Therapy, Kamelot
> 
> I love to break my own heart into pieces
> 
> English is still not my mother tongue


End file.
